On Getting Crazy and Lighting Up
In this post I review “Kids These Days” by Dr Jody Carrington and how as humans there is a deep part of us that just needs connection, like people who ‘light up’ when they see us.
No, I’m not talking about going to a crazy party. I’m talking about that feeling you get when someone is excited to see you.
Like when you are greeted by a dog. They absolutely lose their mind with excitement when they see you. If you are in need of a heart-warming visual of this phenomenon, watch here:
We all need this. Our need to have people around us light up for us is consistent throughout life. Yet, as we grow older, or our relationships with others grow more complex, we are less and less likely to give this reaction to other people.
This week I will introduce the work of Jody Carrington and explore the power of lighting up to encourage connection – with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.
Kids These Days
I recently had one of the most personally transformative reading experiences in my journey to understand people. That book is Kids These Days by Dr Jody Carrington, a Clinical Psychologist from Alberta, who challenges the notion that ‘kids these days’ (i.e., millennials) are the absolute worst ever.
Are these kids just a new breed of disrespectful and lazy?
Are Kids these days just a new breed of lazy?
Jody says no – that, actually, the kids are the least of our problems. In the context of our digitized era, the kids – and us too - are simply struggling to connect.
One of the things that kids need are adults around them that are light-up-crazy about them. She describes it as an “irrational emotional relationship”. Why? Because relationships matter. In her world, the relationship must be established before her work with kids can mean anything. For adults – it allows relationships based on kindness and connection. Think about that for a second. What would it be like in the boardroom if it felt like you were all on the same team, instead of held back by politics? What would it be like in a marriage to have each interaction based on kindness? Would it not just be better for everyone?
But lighting up is hard. Jody tells us it’s hard because sometimes the people in our lives who need it the most are the ones that are the hardest to give it to (ex. imagine your boss who is totally taking out their frustration about something else by being hard on you). Lighting up feels easier when we feel a reciprocal connection. It’s hard to light up for people we love the most in case they don’t light up back. It’s also hard to light up when we’re tired. Or suffering from an illness. Or when things are bad at work. Or when we are “just done”, Jody says, which is a more present reality by our intense North American standards.
I really recommend you pick up a copy of this book. Jody is a very amusing writer! Although Jody’s book is the most aligned with helping educators, there is something in here for everyone – especially the emphasis on how we all need connection.
Why You Need to Try to ‘Light Up’ For The People in Your Life
For people like you.
The same reason why it’s hard for us to light up is exactly the reason why we need to do it. Reciprocity. It’s hard to light up for people and show your excitement about them when you don’t get it back. That feels like rejection. And rejection hurts. Imagine your boss being upset about something else and taking it out on you. Why would you ever want to demonstrate positivity in this circumstance, especially when someone is being hard on you, and you are pretty much guaranteed not to get the same reaction back?
Research in Psychology tells us that we are more inclined to like people who like us. Reciprocal liking can do a lot to uplift social relationships. It’s no surprise that employees work harder when they feel liked and appreciated.
Although it’s scary to show someone you like them by lighting up, try it. Most of the time, you’ll get it back.
Create Connection and Collaboration.
Lighting up is a positive, joyful thing. In fact, it is a catalyst to spread more positive emotions. Emotional contagion refers to how moods and emotions can be ‘spread’ amongst people. This can happen at the office, where moods spread in a viral way. The spread of positive emotions is especially effective through face-to-face, non-verbal cues, and can impact subsequent behaviours as well.
Research has shown that the spread of positive emotions leads to increased cooperation, decreased interpersonal conflict, and a sense of task accomplishment. Lighting up with someone or a group can set an interaction off on the right path and create connection. Have you ever been around someone who walks into a room and puts everyone at ease? That’s known as an affective presence, and has a lot to do with the emotional signature that person is putting out there. Being aware that the emotions you display impact others, and subsequently the way they interact with you, is a powerful tool (perhaps all the more powerful as not everyone else realizes how impacted they are by these ‘vibes’). Use those positive vibes wisely.
Which one do you want to be friends with?
Bringing People to the Table.
There is a real incentive when the going gets tough in any kind of relationship to devolve to a retaliatory, tit-for-tat situation. Imagine a negotiation with a client that’s not going well and suddenly options are taken off the table. Or a fight with a partner where you’re stating the things you will both NOT be doing. In Jody’s world of working with kids, the aim is to help create ‘babes who are kind, respectful and connected’ (p. 31). And our reaction to punish kids (*spoiler* we do it to adults too) by taking stuff away doesn’t seem to be working. Jody explains, “See, you cannot take enough things away from a kid for them to be kind” (p. 32). Let that sink in. We can’t take enough stuff away for them to be kind.
Taking stuff away from people does not make them kind. Taking stuff away from people does not lead to collaboration. Being kind first brings people to the table.
Try it the next time things get tense – at home, at work, or with a friend. Bring people to the table by demonstrating kindness.
Dogs: masters of Lighting Up
A Parting Challenge
I challenge you to try out this technique in your own personal, authentic way. Be intentional – and see what happens. Maybe your husband or wife reacts with some suspicion at first (“what did you do, why are you being so nice?”) but let’s see if it changes their behaviour towards you. Or in a meeting with your colleague. Or with the employee at the coffee shop. Let’s see what happens when we make people feel important and spread positivity.
Sincerely,
