On How to Decline a Wedding Invitation Nicely
We inevitably won’t be able to go to every wedding we are invited to, so why do people struggle to say ‘no’ even if they don’t want to (or can’t!) go? With over 2.5 million weddings expected in the US this year alone, let’s take a look at the Psychology of declining a wedding invitation… the right way!
Most of my friends who have been through the wedding planning process tell me that the RSVP replies have without a doubt been one of the most painful parts. People having to be asked 3 times to reply, people not responding for 2-3 months after the deadline, family members declining without an explanation… sure makes you feel great! (NOT). It got me thinking about the Psychology of the RSVP.
Why Might Declining a Wedding Invitation be Hard?
How we were raised.
Apparently, some research suggests that we have a hard time saying ‘no’ to invitations because of societal norms of being polite. We assume that saying no is rude and therefore automatically assume you’re attending. But if you don’t actually want to go, or no you need to decline, this can lead you to stall, avoid, even forget.
We fear repercussions.
We might also avoid saying no when we fear there will be hurt feelings from us saying no. You might feel like the inviter will be mad or that you are letting them down. It’s true, a wedding is a hugely important moment in the couple’s lives and they are (usually) inviting you as a symbol of connection. But this feeling of the consequences of saying no might actually make it harder to find the right words or even decline at all.
We feel guilty.
Perhaps you’ve put off RSVPing and are feeling guilty. Guilt is an emotion that is felt when you perceive that you’ve done something objectively wrong (guilt in and of itself is actually healthy because it can help you learn from a mistake or correct it). That negative self-judgment is unpleasant and sometimes we avoid thinking about the RSVP so we don’t have to feel badly about doing something impolite in response to someone else being friendly (i.e., sending the invite in the first place).
You forgot.
Often the window for RSVPs is long, it’s not uncommon to put the invite aside and forget. It’s actually a lot harder to RSVP when you forget that you need to RSVP!
What Impact Does This Have On The Host?
Planning a wedding is a ton of work. It’s an emotionally-charged, life-changing event. Not getting an RSVP back (even if it’s a ‘no’) feels really bad for the host. It can even seem like you’re waiting for a better invite to come along, or you don’t know if the relationship is important enough to invest the time and effort. It’s incredibly frustrating from a logistics point of view because at a cost of several hundred dollars per guest, and usually limitations on numbers, the host doesn’t know what to tell vendors or how to organize tables, etc. etc. etc! Worse, the host can feel resulting feelings of frustration at the guest which actually can damage the relationship going forward.
What Is The Right Way to Decline a Wedding Invitation?
All invited guests have a responsibility to reply as soon as they possibly can, even if the answer is no. Luckily there is a right way to decline - let me walk you through it.
Be Thankful.
Being invited at all is a symbolic gift. Thank the couple for thinking of you and wanting to include you.
Acknowledge.
Acknowledge the significance of the event. A wedding isn’t just some party, it’s a (usually) once-in-a-lifetime event. Being invited is a privilege, not a right. Being invited is also a symbol of connection: the couple is trying to connect with you. Saying something to the effect of “we would have loved to be a part of this very important day in your life” or other words that reflect that you understand the gravitas of the invite and event is important.
Be Honest.
If you have another event or a reason why you can’t be there, that will help the couple understand why you are declining. You don’t need to provide a ton of information or anything, but consider how no reason or explanation leaves the message up for interpretation (i.e., that you don’t really think it’s important).
Don’t Delay.
Even if you feel bad about saying no, the earlier you can respond, the better. In fact, getting a response that is a decline is better than no response or a late response - because the couple can fill the spots with other invitees. Remember to RSVP ASAP!
Think About the Way You Deliver.
If you are really close to the couple like a family member or close friend, delivering the message over dinner or in a special way.
Send Something Anyway.
If you really want to show that you care and regret not being there, sending something even as simple as a card really symbolically sends the message, as well as can go a long way in avoiding any negative feelings from the couple. Or get something in the books to celebrate one on one at a time that works for everyone. But - remember - don’t let this slide. You might offer ‘hey let’s celebrate together over dinner’ and never follow up, and not following through might also pose problems for the relationship.
Don’t Forget to Formally RSVP!
Just telling the couple in a message and not actually formally RSVPing (i.e., on their wedding website) just makes more work for the couple who has to go in there and do it for you. Not cool. Don’t forget this last step.
Couples are actually generally understanding about people not being able to come to their wedding. So don’t worry about that. Just worry about the way you decline, because that matters. Basically, just try to put yourselves in their shoes and think about how they will feel to read your message.
Ultimately, think about how you’d want people to treat you and it’ll guide you in the right direction!
With love,
