On Being Too Busy To Be Happy [Book Review]

You’re busy. I’m busy. We’re all busy.

Reading Christine Laperriere’s book is an investment that might actually help you get a bunch of time, energy, and happiness back in your life (though finding time to read it means adding one extra thing to your to-do list). Her book explores the concept of emotional real estate and provides an accessible and practical framework for anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed (i.e., all of us). 

The basic premise rests on the harsh reality that, just as we only have so many hours in our day, we also have a limited reserve of emotional energy. Different activities and events use up our energy at different rates. Doing things that stress you out depletes you, while doing things you are passionate about fills the tank back up. The things that drain vs energize differ from person to person. Just as I might need quality time with my parents to feel restored, the same activity for you could be frustrating and draining. Once you realize what energizes you, you can start to build your framework for how to decide where to devote your energy - and acquire a new way of thinking about where to let things go.

“We all have a limited reserve of emotional energy.”

Given that we all have limited resources available to achieve our goals, Christine describes emotional real estate as, “simply a way to visualize the amount of focus and attention needed to attend to the thoughts that are swirling in your mind at any given moment, and the energy needed to maintain focus on the actions you need to take each day.” (p. 65) This includes baggage from the past that comes up in your mind from time to time, pressure to align with societal ideals (ex. beauty, weight, etc.), or dealing with tough situations that unexpectedly arise (ex. a sick family member, a house repair). It all piles up. 

It’s the use of the emotional real estate metaphor throughout the book that makes Christine Laperriere basically the Marie Kondo of the mind (you’ll find chapters with such titles as Property Management 101, Landscaping, and Take Out the Trash). In the form of a true Brene Brown disciple, Christine is generous in sharing the details of her own life in hopes of teaching her readers the perils of her own lessons and the gains from her own successes in the mastery of emotional real estate.

“Christine Laperriere is basically the Marie Kondo of the mind.”

Here are a few of my favourite takeaways from the book:

Act, Or Let It Go

When there are too many things taking up emotional real estate, Christine advises that we need to more keenly assess when to act or let it go (e.g., sort out that lingering tension with your best friend, or hire a contractor to fix the project in the basement that is taking months to finish). The possibility of taking action and resolving some things that are taking up emotional real estate could be beyond our control (ex. trying to sort things out with your sibling but they won’t talk to you). Giving those thoughts that you simply can’t resolve emotional real estate is taxing, and this is a great way to find techniques that help you be like Elsa and let it go. 

Elsa is rly into letting it go.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

We can easily fall into the trap of beating ourselves up for unmet goals and expectations. The reality is that we only have so many hours in the day. The reality is also that not going after ALL your goals right now is okay. Christine writes, “Personally, I currently have about 20 lbs of baby weight to lose… But I also have to acknowledge that I don’t have the emotional real estate available right now, with two children under three at home and a growing business to run, to try specific diet routines or track food”. (p. 176) This is an amazing point. We all face so many expectations to be perfect - have a perfect career, home, social life, appearance, donate to charity, be a good mom, etc. Maybe sometimes we should cut ourselves some slack, and give ourselves permission to focus on the top of the list. I might want to be a competitive athlete but I have a very demanding job. With just 24 hours in the day, something’s gotta give. Let’s take a hard look now before we get burned out.

Keep Some Real Estate For The Unexpected

Unexpected things come up. Having some free emotional real estate is insurance against ‘the storm’. I understand this point acutely - sometimes I’m so busy that I have no room for error. That scares me because if one more thing comes up then everything collapses. Based on this advice I took some time rethink what fits into the schedule. Take advantage of ‘better weather’ to have a think about what works for you, how things are depleting or building up your energy, and learn how to say no!

Christine encourages her readers to delve into the topics in the book with friends and start a conversation. I think this is a great idea. I hear more and more dialogue around the question of whether it's possible to have it all as a woman - the career, the house, the family, the body… Maybe the right conversation is around expectations versus what brings you happiness and energy. Christine’s book contains exercises, questions, and lots of space for self-reflection. Ultimately, managing emotional real estate is a practice and this book is very practical. 

For me, this book has helped me rethink and reprioritize where I’m devoting my energy. In fact, with the holidays coming up, I’m trying something new called not being out-of-my-mind busy! I have found it helpful to incorporate the idea of emotional real estate into the dialogue of my daily life. There’s a lot to learn from the concept and metaphor of emotional real estate. Thanks, Christine, for putting some of your other goals on hold to write this book and share your wisdom with all of us!

Love,

Dr. D