Oct 14

Oct 14 On Conversational Narcissism 101

*Caution. This post might contain high levels of sass.

This week… we’re talking about what is conversational narcissism, or as I like to call it… Conversational Narcissism 101. How to spot it in yourself and others, why it happens, and what to do about it.

Here’s an example of conversational narcissism. We all have that one friend who makes the conversation all about them (or maybe more than one friend who does this).

Hypothetical Conversation: Me: “I just did this thing at work that was really hard, but it went super well, and I got recognized by the team!” Friend: “Oh, I know. I did a thing at work and then I won this award. Aren’t I amazing?”

Okay, maybe the conversation didn’t go exactly like that. But that’s what it felt like.

Need another example? Look no further than FRIENDS:

What is Conversational Narcissism?

The term Conversational Narcissism originates from Charles Derber and is 1979 book The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Individualism in Everyday Life. His Sociological viewpoint suggests that attention is a social resource (kind of like a currency) that represents power dynamics between people. Conversations represent transactions of this social currency. From here, the premise is simple: the more the conversation can be made about you, the more attention you get, the more currency or social power you earn.

Conversational Narcissism refers to the very subtle (and often subconscious) tendency to take over a conversation, to turn the focus to yourself, or do most of the talking.

Most of us understand that it is pretty rude not to listen. In fact, most people would label a Conversational Narcissist a dummy.

What Happens When You’re Stuck Talking to a Conversational Narcissist?

What happens when someone steals all the conversational currency? Well, it can make the listener feel, shut down, disrespected, isolated or lonely. Conversations are about an exchange of ideas and a chance to connect. Connection is a fundamental part of the human experience and well-being. Conversational Narcissism cuts that off - which is especially problematic considering that research has found that loneliness can increase risk of mortality by 26%, comparable risk of early death to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and is worse for us than obesity or couch potato life.

How it Works - Shift Response and Support Response

The actual maneuver in which a Conversational Narcissist redirects conversational attention towards themselves is called a shift response. In conversations, each person makes initiatives – ones that are either giving attention or attempting to get direction. A shift response is one that shifts the topic and attention right back to you.

Ex. Person A: “I have great news, I’m getting a dog!” Person B: “I have a dog! Except he sheds everywhere. Omg this one time…”

The opposite of a shift response is a support response. It validates the speaker by acknowledging that you hear them. This could be in the form of “oh yeah?”, “oh really?”, “that’s terrible… what happened next?”, “omg, congrats!”. A support response keeps the attention on the speaker who brought up the topic.

Why Does It Happen?

Derber believes that Conversational Narcissism happens because it’s a manifestation of the ‘attention-getting’ psychology of Americans. Here are a couple more explanations for where this behaviour comes from.

Egocentric Bias. Basically, we think we are interesting and we assume other people think we are interesting too. Egocentric bias makes us underestimate how different other people’s point of views are. We feel our own experiences really strongly and tend to assume other people will have the same feelings or reactions when we tell them about it. This bias is really hard to point out to other people: have you ever tried to tell someone their story isn’t that interesting? Yah, good luck with that. The generous explanation here is that talking endlessly about themselves might be your conversation partner’s way of trying to share something they genuinely find interesting.

Associative Memory. One technique our brains use to make sense of new information is to relate it to things we already know. When we are taking in something new, we relate that new info to our existing knowledge, which often comes in the form of our own experiences. This might be why we so often responed to other people’s points in conversation with a story about their own experience – it’s the first relevant thing that comes to mind. Trying to relate isn’t a bad thing – but there is a balance. Shifting the conversation back to being about you cuts the other person off from empathy and feeling heard. This can be particularly painful if the person who came for a chat is in distress. Ever go to a friend about a sensitive topic and they make the conversation all about them? Yah. Feels great. But the generous explanation here is that your self-centered conversation partner is trying to show you they understand by telling you a (hopefully) similar experience.

Ego-needs. Conversational Narcissists are more interested in getting their need for attention met in conversation than having your needs met or not being rude. We all have the psychological need to be validated by others and self-express – it’s part of being a social species. We have a very strong need to feel like we belong (remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?). More specifically, to feel like we belong we need positive attention from people we know well. Getting positive attention activates reward centers in the brain. Why does a Conversational Narcissist require more of this sensation of reward that comes from attention than others? Well, something might be up with your narcissistic conversational counterpart.

It could be a short-term need to re-balance their self-concept after it’s taken a hit. This is the central premise of self-affirmation theory. Your conversation partner might feel some kind of threat to their self-concept, and they take action (i.e., like try to steal all the attention in a conversation) to minimize the threat to preserve the sense of self. I know that was a heavy sentence so let me give an example.

If you sense this is the reason, take it as a compliment. Your conversation partner saw you as sooooo awesome that it intimidated them.

A more serious explanation is that you could be dealing with someone who has chronically low self-esteem or a chronic need for attention. For anyone with low self-esteem, conversations can be opportunities to get attention to bolster self-worth. This is counter-intuitive because it looks like they are SO confident, talking about all the amazing things they have done, but really, the feeling that’s lurking underneath is a lack of self-worth. As a result, it might be really hard to spot the difference between overconfidence and low self-esteem in these situations. We might never be able to tell where these feelings come from outside of the Psychologist’s office (read more about this in the post-article notes). Conversational Narcissism might just be a window to some much more deep-seated issues faced by your conversation partner.

How to Deal with a Conversational Narcissist

1. Understand Conversations Better.

Think of it as a game of catch. Whenever someone you’re talking to makes an initiative and tells you something, think of it as catching what they’re throwing to you by delivering a support response first (ex. acknowledging that something is great or terrible), following with a shift response from your own perspective (throwing the ball back over to them). It’ll start to feel natural because this is what a really great conversation feels like.

2. Is your conversation partner not playing fairly? Don’t react.

More and more attention will spur them on. One tactic is to try to break the cycle by either a supportive response or a shift response, but a neutral, “hmm” and excusing yourself from the conversation is an alternative. This doesn’t always work if it’s just you and the conversational narcissist are at the coffee shop, but see what non-reaction might work here depending on the context.

3. Teach and practice empathy.

Our ability to understand and share the feelings of others is very important in connection. Sometimes you have a friend or loved one in need that just needs to be heard. Let them know you’re listening! For example, I have also found that role modelling empathy not only helps to restore the speaker's sense of self, but shows them tools to bring empathy to other conversations in the future. If it’s someone I feel really comfortable with, sometimes I will stop the conversation and say, “what if you said something like ‘ah yes, that sounds hard, anything I can do to help?’” just to give them some language to use in the future.

4. Try a structure.

Not all of our conversations are causal or social but rather working things out with a colleague or even an argument. It might be useful to set some ground rules – like dividing up the conversation speaking time into thirds, where one person speaks and the other actively listens, switch, and then try talk collaboratively together.

5. Develop conversational self-awareness.

Here are a few questions to get you started:

Have I asked any clarifying questions?
How much of the conversation is about me compared to about them?
When the other person spoke up, did I acknowledge what they were saying or respond immediately about myself?
What body language cues can I read from my conversation partner – do they look increasingly frustrated or uncomfortable? Or do they look soothed and more comfortable as the conversation goes on?

Bottom line, try not to take it personally if someone is a Conversational Narcissist. It’s likely less about you than it is about them.

Love,

Dr. D

Notes: Sometimes this excessive attention-seeking is combined with a drama addiction. Getting attention from drama causes endorphins to be released in the brain. These are pleasure-inducing compounds that are mimicked by opioids, and, unsurprisingly, the brain can build up a tolerance and become addicted – and more endorphins from attention are then required for the same neurochemical effect. Where does this chronic need for attention and drama come from? Psychology tells us that this isn’t just someone who’s being annoying, there is usually a deep-seated underlying cause for this, often associated with early developmental trauma from neglect. A young brain observes that the only way to survive and to get attention, judging that the rest of life will be much the same. Basically, a neglected baby associates getting attention with survival. Conversational Narcissism could be a symptom of this - but it’s really hard to tell.