Oct 28

Oct 28 On… Why is No One RSVPing?

Many of my friends have complained that one of the most infuriating parts of the wedding planning process was getting people to RSVP.

This phenomenon is so ubiquitous now and I am positive you have had a similar experience. You’ve put thought, time, effort, etc. into planning a gathering. Maybe it wasn’t a party as wildly significant as a wedding, but still. And then the process of people-wrangling, wishy-washy responses, or no response at all begins. Apparently replying to RSVPs has gone out of fashion.

I have this one friend, when we invite him to a gathering, we always get a ‘maybe’. It turns out he doesn’t commit to our events in case a “better” offer comes along. He usually goes for that other offer.

Not replying to RSVPs makes you rude. No, I don’t mean not replying to Facebook requests to play Farmville or Candy Crush Saga. I mean… NOT REPLYING TO SOMEONE’S WEDDING INVITATION IS RUDE.

This week on Sassonomics: why do people not respond to the bloody RSVP? And what you can do about it!

The Diagnosis: The Four Types of Non-Repliers

Is it me? Is my party boring?

No! That’s not a thing! Not RSVPing is about your invitee. When we hear no answer at all, it gives us a window to make up a story to make sense of not getting an answer. It now feels like I have to sell the party to my guests instead of them feeling privileged for being invited. Instead of taking this to heart, let’s look into the types of Non-RSVPers (*not an exhaustive list!) and better understand what the problem is.

People who fail to RSVP can broadly differ on two dimensions: just how much they feel overwhelmed by the tides of life, and their likelihood of showing up or not showing up. Maybe your friend is just so exhausted but is embarrassed to say something, so they pretend they already have plans instead. It’s still rude of them, but it’s NOT about you and you can stop telling yourself the story about how she’s probably still mad at you for wearing the same outfit as her out to dinner 5 years ago…

Do you recognize yourself (or your friends) in any of these types?

The Behavioural Explanation

We live in an age with so many ways to communicate, yet people are LESS inclined to RSVP. We consider ourselves busier than ever, yet spend a historically unprecedented time perusing social media (so don’t tell me you didn’t see my Facebook Event invite!). What can Behavioural Science tell us about why people don’t reply?

Cognitive Overload

Cognitive Load Theory was developed by John Sweller, published in the journal Cognitive Science in 1988. Our working memory is limited by the amount of information it can hold at any one time. An overloaded brain is more likely to forget new information or stall in making a decision. Think about how much easier it is to choose between 3 flavours of ice cream as opposed to 53 flavours (okay… come to think of it… that never gets easier!).

Additionally, we experience Cognitive Overload when two similar kinds of sensory information compete with each other at the same time (ex. two images, two songs). This is known as the Split-Attention Effect. So when you get an Evite e-mail to someone’s 50th birthday party, it probably has a good chance of fading in your memory amongst all your other emails because they are visually competing with a number of other similar cues on your screen.

Even more to blame is that we are inundated with many more invites these days. Invites to follow on Instagram, invites to check out your friend’s second cousin’s band, invites on Facebook – some to events but also some to play Facebook games – it is overwhelming! Plus, why on earth did Facebook give us the option to say ‘maybe’? MAYBE IS NOT A VALID RSVP!

If you are planning something really big (say, a wedding), consider returning to the paper invitation. This is on the minds of many going through the wedding planning process because formal wedding invites are pricey – on average over $400 according to wedding site The Knot. Yes, online invitations are cheaper and greener, but they are very much easier to ignore or forget about. Paper invites signal that you take the event seriously and others should too. Plus, people tend to cherish mailed invites as a keepsake.

If you absolutely have to use electronic invites, make it look and feel different. That will have a better chance of breaking through the clutter and sticking in people’s memories. After all, evite.com reports sending out over 25,000 EVERY HOUR! Wonder how many of these gets lost in spam? Don’t rely on the anonymity of the mass communication (*cough* Facebook invites). Make it personal so that it signals to your recipient that you were intentional about inviting them. Right now I tend to rely on individual texts or emails and it works much better! Instead of seeing who else is going to be there and making a judgement about the event based on that, they get the chance to decide if the event is something they’d like to come to regardless of the crowd, and if it works logistically with their schedule.

Lastly, reduce cognitive overload by providing a deadline – and not one that is really far in the future! Please let me know by next Friday… is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. The invitee doesn’t have to have it lingering in their mind for months – force them to get this one off the to-do list!

Bonus: Provide a “if I don’t hear from you by this date, I will assume you aren’t coming” line to your deadline. This makes it seem like a lost opportunity if they miss the deadline. And people hate the feeling of loss.

Ego-Centric Bias

The ego-centric bias refers to how people rely more heavily on their own point of view or feelings, and can lead to ignoring other people’s point of views or feelings entirely. Basically, we think we are more important than we actually are. Facts are facts.

When we are making an event, we acutely feel the effort and work and money we put into it. Your invitee doesn’t feel that effort. They don’t feel the frustration of trying to make that booking at your favourite restaurant but the line kept cutting out. Your invitee is thinking about it from their own perspective, ugh I have to outside after such a long day and it might be cold and I really don’t like that waiter who served us last time.

This means that when we are thinking about how to respond to that Facebook invite, mostly we are thinking about it from our perspective rather than that of the host, often under-weighing the effort they put in to connect with us.

*This might be happening because we get more and more nonsense invites from people asking us to ‘like’ things not because they think we’d like it, but simply to promote.

Let your invitee know the work you are putting into getting this organized and the feelings associated with it. Here’s another idea: get them involved in the planning (the ol’Foot in the Door Technique).

Hot-Cold Empathy Gap

People struggle with accurately predicting how they will behave or feel in the future. The hot-cold empathy gap refers to how we underestimate the impact of visceral states (physical feelings like hunger, lust) on our future behaviour. For example, while we are fresh and energized in the morning we might pack our running shoes for the gym later, as the day wears on and we get exhausted, we decide to go out for pizza instead of to a weights class.

How does this impact RSVPing? We might have every intention to go to someone’s birthday drinks after work, but when the time comes, we are too tired, too hungry, too whatever and end up as a no show. People bailing at the last minute is really annoying (*unless it’s an absolute emergency) because it basically says I’m more important than the commitment I made to you because I didn’t bother to plan my day properly to accommodate this event.

The flip side is that sometimes we under-estimate how much fun an event is going to be – and this can be especially acute with Social Anxiety. I know I’ve felt very stressed heading into an event, only to realize I’ve actually had a good time once I get there. (Note: make sure to have sensitivity for your friends with Social Anxiety!)

Be thoughtful in your planning of your event. If you are chatting with your guest, say “hey, I know you are probably going to be tired on a Friday. Does this day work?” For your friends with kids say, “how can I make this work with your kids’ schedule?” The reality is that many people don’t even notice how their visceral states fluctuate and impact their behaviours. Use these new Jedi powers to make a plan everyone can agree to!

Tactics

Okay, I sent the invite already, but no one is biting. What do I do?

It’s totally fine to follow up. Do it individually instead of en masse (don’t give an opportunity for people to hide in anonymity). Maybe the invite really did get lost in the mail!
It’s fine to uninvite people – with grace. I didn’t hear from you so I asked Regina and Bruce instead and they have accepted!
In some cases, if a non-RSVPer shows up, you might not have to let them in to the event. This could be the case if you’ve booked a certain amount of tickets or spots for something.
Its your choice not to invite the non-RSVPer in the future. Or the no-show.
Whatever you do, make sure to be nice!

Hello, my name is Regina Falange and I really want to come to the party but I just can’t make it. Do you have any advice?

People in invite you because they want to connect. If you really can’t make it you can:

Acknowledge their offer and thank them for thinking of you. Bridge that bid for connection.
Tell them the truth. I’m just too bloody exhausted and I need Saturday night to recover is a valid thing to say. This will stop them from telling stories to themselves about how you secretly hate looking at the mole on their eyelid or something…
Offer an alternative. Can we try for the next weekend? OR Can we circle back about finding a date next week when I know my work schedule?

Good luck, party planners!

Love,