On Rising Strong [Book Review]

Dr. Brene Brown, I Feel Your Pain.

There is a special kind of insecurity afforded to academics. Saying the right thing – the correct reference, the right perspective on the literature, the right application of theory – every claim we make is akin to being vulnerable because we are putting ourselves out there with our ideas.

I saw myself in the personal examples you used in Rising Strong. In a tale about dealing with someone who I can only really describe as a bully, Dr. Brown writes, “I have such shame about mispronouncing words and things like that. I feel stupid and small and found out and ashamed and afraid and like an impostor and like someone who got caught pretending to be smart.” (P. 231) I know everyone’s got their spot that – if it gets pushed – they start to crumble. The I’m not ever going to be good enough combined with the try hard/people pleaser is a dangerous combination I can relate to.

I reference your academic examples in particular because academics often walk a funny dichotomy of being the Knowledge Guardians of the world but also feeling highly vulnerable to intellectual critiques. This was something I didn’t even imagine existed until I was in my PhD program. I thought I’d get a PhD and then be impervious to intellectual critiques because LOOK I HAVE DR BEFORE MY NAME!! Nope, it didn’t work like that. Put it like this: it’s like your identity hasn’t quite caught up with your knowledge or skill, you still feel like that confused undergrad on the inside.

Rising Strong is Classic Brene.

It is open, honest, real, vulnerable, and helpful. It’s got a great mix of science and academic research as well as heart-touching stories. As a Behavioural Scientist, I like this mix. People learn through narrative; this allows us to form connections through existing concepts and we are more likely to remember what they learned. It’s got something for everyone. We’ve all had face down in the arena moments. Finally, we have a framework, originating in grounded theory, which helps us navigate and learn. What’s more, it’s the same trajectory as a Pixar film!

“Finally, we have a framework, originating in grounded theory, which helps us navigate and learn.”

If I had to pick a singular section that touched me the most, it’s Rumbling with Criticism. (Rumbling is Brene’s term for “a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard”). Conventional wisdom is that we need to be open to criticism so that we can improve. But, as Dr. Brown puts it, “all criticism is not created equal and certainly doesn’t have the same intention behind it.” (P. 243).  There is a difference between constructive, actionable, or helpful criticism, and words that are nasty, intended to evoke shame, or not even really about you.

We’ve All Been There

From anonymous online mean-spirited attacks to review meetings with your boss that boggle your mind because they sound totally off the mark, we’ve all been there. Sometimes these inappropriate critiques push our shame triggers (in the case of women, “appearance, body image, mothering, and anything else that could dent be-perfect-and-make-everyone-happy expectations” (p. 244). I’ll share a story here. I’m a competitive figure skater; my sport is synchronized skating. We compete with 16 skaters. I had just stepped up a level and joined a new team where I was competing with 4 other girls for the 16th spot.

Me at the World Synchronized Skating Championships in 2010.

Our coach would have meetings with us to let us know how we were progressing in our training and who would ‘get the spot’. I remember distinctly one meeting where her feedback and critique for me was that I was too fat and that the girls didn’t like me. Boom, right in the shame trigger. What young woman doesn’t have body image issues? And of course you worry about fitting in on any new team. Looking back, I know both of these critiques were totally untrue. The coach was having a hard time deciding between the 5 of us and probably wanted to see who would crack under the pressure. If someone cracked, that’s one less person she’d have to disappoint. This criticism wasn’t helpful, thoughtful, or accurate. And boy did it hurt.

“From anonymous online mean-spirited attacks to review meetings with your boss that boggle your mind because they sound totally off the mark,

we’ve all been there”

Dr. Brown points out that we need a trusted group of others whose opinions we trust and can count on. If we get criticism from others, well… it can be water off a duck’s back. (Which is a practiced skill, by the way). But, honestly, how does your coach not factor into that trusted group whose opinion you need to count on? She was front row of the cheap seats in my head.

I have had a bunch of ‘feedback’ that I realize has nothing to do with me. Lots of political positioning to cover other people’s behinds. Recognizing that is so freeing, even as a try hard/people pleaser. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it!

I agree with Brene (if I can call you that). Choose your list carefully. Cutting off criticism complete isn’t great either because it cuts you off from connection - and that’s exactly what we need for wholeheartedness – life satisfaction, fulfillment and belonging.

For anyone who has ever felt floored by a challenging situation (i.e., EVERYONE), you should probably go ahead and dive into Dr. Brown’s work. She leaves her heart on the page for our benefit, which, incidentally, has caused me to be brave enough in this instance to do the same.

Love,

Dr. D